As a leader, your conversations become relationships. Taking responsibility for your thoughts, emotions, and for the message you need to deliver will allow you to speak with clarity, conviction, and compassion. How people feel after a conversation with you will determine how they would feel about developing a relationship with you or not. It also affects the trust that develops. When relationships are on the line, there are no trivial comments.

I often hear all kinds of excuses for conversations gone wrong. And most of them have to do with how the other person was so. . . (abrasive, annoying, challenging, in my face, nasty, insulting. . . you fill in the blank!) that the person “could not help” . . . (yelling, losing control, escalating. . . you probably can fill this blank too).

The reality is that we can never influence what others say or do. But we can certainly take responsibility for our own thoughts, actions, and reactions. The way you talk to yourself will make a big difference on how you communicate and behave. If you can acknowledge that the recent merger is bringing uncertainty, but instead of thinking “nobody has control of anything anymore” you tell yourself you can make a difference in how things are communicated. In taking initiative, in reaching out to connect with the unknown, your words and behaviors will convey your willingness to contribute to the process and you might end up having more influence than you thought you could have.

Thanksgiving is a ripe time to test this theory. Every family has someone that others tend to dread relating to. If you are together for this holiday, try taking responsibility for reaching out in a different way. Instead of shunning, or exchanging negative comments, ask questions that can bring out their best. Instead of reacting negatively when they say something annoying, take things with humor and ask them to tell you something about themselves, or make a positive comment about them. Instead taking things personally (even if the other meant it as personal), chalk it up to their make up and give them a compliment instead of an angry retort. (You might need to think of a compliment in advance. . . !) Above all, don't let "the small stuff" ruin a time for connection. Take a positive attitude with you and initiate positive interactions. You will be amazed at the results!

In this age where leaders, employees, and family try to blame someone else for everything, it is refreshing when someone takes responsibility not only for their actions, but for the relationship. Be the one to stand up and make a difference by taking responsibility.